Thursday, March 27, 2025
9:14 AM
Hey Friend,
So, I woke up this morning feeling this latent sense of gloom and doom taking over my energy. It’s weird because, this time, I didn’t exactly go to bed feeling upset or angry. Quite the opposite, actually. I had plans for my morning: wake up, meal prep, do laundry, and then I have a massage scheduled for later this afternoon.
Oh yeah, I started working out again this past week, and I have to say, this whole working out thing feels good. My body feels good, like it’s learning how to be strong again. I’m surprised I’m still able to lift roughly the same amount of weight as I did the last time I worked out, about 6 months ago. I’m still able to do farmer’s carries with 100-pound weights, I can still deadlift my max of 115 lbs, my hips don’t hurt as much when I try to do RDLs, and the soreness is minimal.
My mind has felt energized too. I have less resistance to working out this week, and I actually sort of look forward to it?? I couldn’t tell past versions of me this, though— they would die of shock. It actually feels like saying hello again to a good friend that I missed but haven’t seen for a while. It also makes me sad because I think about the 6-ish months of progress I could’ve made if I’d just stuck to it. But ah well, we’re here now, and I guess we just put one foot in front of the other.
I’m definitely more aware of my maladaptive coping mechanisms that get reignited in the face of stressful situations. Yeah, the last couple of months or so have been emotionally charged, and I sort of just retreated. I am 1000% an emotional eater, sleeper, and isolator. It’s taken some years to fully understand that I’m quick to drop my healthier habits, such as meal prepping, working out, and journaling, in favor of my “baseline” maladaptive ones. So, I can freely admit that I haven’t been taking proper care of myself, but I’m looking to change that.
I will give myself a pat on the back and some due credit. Compared to any other point in my life, I’ve been making a somewhat conscious effort to not completely sink into my old cycles. Yes, I’ve been sleeping like crazy and not moving as much. However, I’ve made it a point to stretch at least 2-3 times a week. I’m becoming attuned to the fact that I’m no longer a spring chicken— my body is saying that it won’t take a beating like it used to. I can respect that, pero like… we’ve got things to do.
So yeah, like I said, I’ve been feeling fairly good this week, also because of the silence around me. I’ve been living in Indy for almost two months now, staying with my sister and her family. They happen to be on spring break, so it’s just me. Can I say that I don’t get how some people don’t enjoy being alone? It’s like the silence and stillness of the house have been so calming. I’ve spent a good portion of this week cooking and journaling. I’ve been trying to plan my life over the next few months as well, which has been… tough. There’s a lot of stagnant energy due to two or three major blockers, all of which are above me at this point.
I’m definitely someone who is on the go when I’m in my prime. I’ve found it tough to be in a season where all I can do is pray and sit pretty until the universe decides how things will unfold. It’s hard. When you have an anxious brain like mine, you often feel like you need to be in motion or achieving something, or else you’re going to sink into your feelings. I’ve been sitting with those feelings a lot lately, trying to “process,” and whew, the amount of rage, gloom, and (surprisingly) fear that has surfaced is amazing. Like, all that junk has been inside me all this time?
I do think the state I’m in is interesting to examine. What do you do when you wake up in the morning with the plan to be productive, but it’s challenged by a feeling of gloom that just wants you to take things slow? Which do you listen to? It’s not like either side is wrong. I’ve had equal time to rest and feel productive this week, but it makes me annoyed that I don’t have the stamina to push through.
———————- * ONE HOUR LATER * ————————
An hour into writing this, and I literally just put the pieces together.
- I have PMDD & PCOS
- It’s the end of the month. My period is about to come.
I AM 10000% IN A STATE OF UNEXPLICABLE GLOOM AND DOOM! UGH!
So I guess today’s specific dilemma really isn’t a question of my will; it’s really just my body once again telling me that she cannot handle a highly productive day today. It’s giving me “do what you can, sit down and rest.” LOL, I wrote all this to remember that I’m a woman with hormonal imbalances and fluctuations that affect my mental state at any given point in the month.
Well, I guess this is the perfect day for this to happen. Here’s the deal with myself: I’m going to start on laundry and then lay on the couch for a bit with a book. If the spirit moves me before 1 PM, I’ll start meal prep.
Well, glad we figured that out. Do you know what I mean when I say this is all just mental blah? LOL
Bye, Friend!
